“Little times of trouble” will be part of all relationships that venture past mere acquaintance. Prevention through wise Christian principles should always be the policy. But sooner or later, conflicts will slip into even the closest and healthiest of relationships. Fortunately, the Bible is full of insights to ensure that conflicts don’t become conflagrations that destroy families and friendships.
Being told to love and be kind (John 13:34, 35), live in peace and harmony with one another (Rom. 15:13–16), and forgive (Eph. 4:31, 32) may sound like banal family advice for Christians. But these are exactly the attitudes one is quick to forget in times of conflict. Perhaps the hardest thing to do in an emotionally escalating situation is to remember that our Christianity is to be palpable in those moments. To put it more bluntly, one could say our Christian witness stands or falls, not when we are at church, in prayer, or in Bible study but when we are in the privacy of our homes, engaging with our families.
Because family members are bound to do or say things that they will eventually regret, forgiveness becomes a key component in the discussion of family troubles. Being one who is quick to forgive, who doesn’t keep a record of past wrongs, and who doesn’t passively resent the other person (while feigning forgiveness) is nothing short of miraculous. One couple shared how their forgiveness had to deepen once they got married: “Our character flaws spilled all over the place once we married. We had to go from learning to just forgive one another for isolated mistakes to learning how to forgive who the other person was.” In order to forgive like that and manifest Christlike forgiveness toward our family, God’s forgiveness for us through Christ needs to be kept front and center (Eph. 1:7).
Part II: Commentary
Scripture
The Sermon on the Mount is an exposition on holiness, a paragon of ethical teaching, and has been considered the “Kingdom Manifesto.” A manifesto declares the intentions and objectives of a government or movement. The nature and character of the kingdom Jesus inaugurated is on display in His most well-known sermon. No wonder it serves doubly as a rich resource of familial advice and wisdom. Kingdom principles are played out in the context of relationships; so, familial relationships are fair game as the target of God’s kingdom intentions.
The lesson refers to Christ’s counsel, “ ‘You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye’ ” (Matt. 7:5, ESV), as a principle that can help avert conflict. This verse and the surrounding passage are probably the most used and misused section of anything Christ ever spoke. Therefore, this section bears some further reflection.
If there is one phrase in all of Scripture that has permeated into the verbal arsenal of Western culture, known by both Christian and secularist alike, it is “ ‘Judge not, that you be not judged’ ” (Matt. 7:1, ESV). This aphorism, of course, is the context for what Jesus says about “logs” and “eyes.” Unfortunately, this phrase has been co-opted by a relativistic worldview and used ubiquitously to stop anyone from saying that anybody is doing anything wrong, which, of course, would be a “judgment” made on that person. To keep this discussion along relational lines, marriages would not go far, or would be severely stunted, if judgments of right/wrong, good/bad, loving/unloving, or helpful/hurtful could not be made on a regular basis without “ ‘Judge not’ ” being invoked as a dialogue stopper. Anyone familiar at all with the Bible or Jesus’ teachings knows that this invocation certainly is not the proper application of this phrase. So what is the proper application of this teaching of Christ? How can it be a key in preventing, and perhaps resolving, conflict, especially within families?
Perhaps the best place to start understanding the purpose of Matthew 7:1–5 is to visualize the picture Jesus paints. It certainly isn’t about denying the existence of problems in other people’s, or one’s own, family. Problems the size of logs (: wood the size of floor paneling in Solomon’s temple [1 Kings 6:15, LXX]) are sticking out of eyes. But here is the striking contrast Jesus makes. Those with the big problems, the logs, are correcting/rebuking those with the smaller problems, ones that Jesus likens to specks. And they are doing so in a hypocritical fashion (Matt. 7:5). It is this posture of engagement that is so detrimental to relationships—the one who commits the flagrant sin, perhaps in a state of total denial, attacking some peccadillo that he or she microscopically identifies in another. Often the best way to hide one’s own faults is to viciously attack others for theirs. This behavior is a recipe for disaster in relationships, marriage and family included.
Amazingly, Jesus engenders hope that both individuals can stand before each other, clear of their ocular impediments. This hope is good news for relations between husbands, wives, parents, children, and siblings. Our problems, issues, or sins don’t have to have the last word in undercutting our relationships with one another. Conflict does not have to be all-consuming, but Jesus’ simple, yet not easy, command needs to be heeded: “ ‘first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye’ ” (Matt. 7:5, ESV). Here, then, is the posture of prevention and resolve when conflict threatens relationships: (1) Before one addresses another’s problems, one should come with an attitude that his or her own problems are greater than those they are addressing. (2) Ask the other person to point out blind spots (logs) that have gone unaddressed or denied. (3) Ask for forgiveness for one’s own sins, which, if they are logs, have been doing a lot more damage in the relationship than the specks he or she hoped to address. (4) If things go well, one can ask (Matt. 7:7) if now is a good time to share concerns he or she has with their partner for the growth and preservation of the relationship. Christ’s counsel, the presence of His Spirit, and a humble, teachable attitude will go a long way in conflict prevention and resolve. The judgmental, hypocritical attack of another’s faults will be ineffective at resolving anything and will possibly only invite the same response. Jesus knew this and therefore warned, “ ‘Judge not, that you be not judged’ ” (Matt. 7:1, ESV).
Forgiveness
The secret (if it can be called that) to being an inveterate forgiver is to live the life of the forgiven: “Be kind to one another, . . . forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32, ESV). But intellectually accepting that God has forgiven us is different from actually living the forgiven life. Nowhere in Scripture is this difference more striking than in Jesus’ famous parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:23–35. From this angle, one could say that the unforgiving servant (forgiven 10,000 talents) did not appropriate the reality of his forgiveness to the degree that it compelled him to offer even a fraction of that forgiveness to another (100 denarii). He heard he was forgiven, maybe believed it, too; but it didn’t become a central feature by which he lived and treated others. If forgiveness is to flow freely between family members, then God’s forgiveness of us needs to be a controlling feature of our lives, influencing our treatment of one another.
A corollary idea of “living forgiven” is to address the one person we often have the hardest time forgiving. No one highlights this point better than Brennan Manning: “Jesus challenges us to forgive everyone we know. . . . Right now someone exists who has disappointed and offended us, someone with whom we are continually displeased and with whom we are more impatient, irritated, unforgiving, and spiteful than we would dare be with anyone else. That person is ourselves. We are so often fed up with ourselves. We’re sick of our own mediocrity, revolted by our own inconsistency, bored by our own monotony. We would never judge any other of God’s children with the savage self-condemnation with which we crush ourselves. Jesus said we are to love our neighbor as ourselves. We must be patient, gentle, and compassionate with ourselves in the same way we try to love our neighbor.”—The Signature of Jesus (Colorado Springs, Colo.: Multnomah Books, 1996), p. 162. Or as Francis MacNutt famously quipped: “If the Lord Jesus Christ has washed you in his own blood and forgiven you all your sins, how dare you refuse to forgive yourself ?”—The Signature of Jesus, p. 101.
So, we can take heart in living under the glorious realization that through Christ we are thoroughly forgiven. Having the Holy Spirit press that truth through the membrane of our souls, we will be able to genuinely forgive one another. This understanding truly is a key for experiencing peace within the family.
Part III: Life Application
Regardless of all that has been said theologically and practically about forgiveness in the Christian church, forgiveness, as a whole, can still be very difficult in certain situations. We have a tendency to hold on to past offenses with clenched fists, especially if wrongs have gone unresolved. Discuss with the class strategies to “let go” and offer the reminder that the grudges harm only the bearer, not the perpetrator. Here is an ancient parable that nails that point:
Two monks (an older and younger), on their way to a monastery high in the mountains, came across a woman who was having difficulty crossing a swift running creek. Given that the monks kept strict vows not to touch women, the younger assumed they would pass her by. But the older monk hoisted the woman on his back, carried her across the creek, and let her down on the other side. The younger monk was offended, but he repressed his objections for hours until they reached the summit of the mountain, upon which he exploded with “How could you violate our vows and carry that woman on your back?” The older monk replied, “It is true; I carried her across the creek, but you carried her all the way up the mountain.” Christians have no need to carry the burden of resentment or unforgiveness. The Lord is well able to bear the sins of the world; He doesn’t need our help.
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“Little times of trouble” will be part of all relationships that venture past mere acquaintance. Prevention through wise Christian principles should always be the policy. But sooner or later, conflicts will slip into even the closest and healthiest of relationships. Fortunately, the Bible is full of insights to ensure that conflicts don’t become conflagrations that destroy families and friendships.
Being told to love and be kind (John 13:34, 35), live in peace and harmony with one another (Rom. 15:13–16), and forgive (Eph. 4:31, 32) may sound like banal family advice for Christians. But these are exactly the attitudes one is quick to forget in times of conflict. Perhaps the hardest thing to do in an emotionally escalating situation is to remember that our Christianity is to be palpable in those moments. To put it more bluntly, one could say our Christian witness stands or falls, not when we are at church, in prayer, or in Bible study but when we are in the privacy of our homes, engaging with our families.
Because family members are bound to do or say things that they will eventually regret, forgiveness becomes a key component in the discussion of family troubles. Being one who is quick to forgive, who doesn’t keep a record of past wrongs, and who doesn’t passively resent the other person (while feigning forgiveness) is nothing short of miraculous. One couple shared how their forgiveness had to deepen once they got married: “Our character flaws spilled all over the place once we married. We had to go from learning to just forgive one another for isolated mistakes to learning how to forgive who the other person was.” In order to forgive like that and manifest Christlike forgiveness toward our family, God’s forgiveness for us through Christ needs to be kept front and center (Eph. 1:7).
Part II: Commentary
Scripture
The Sermon on the Mount is an exposition on holiness, a paragon of ethical teaching, and has been considered the “Kingdom Manifesto.” A manifesto declares the intentions and objectives of a government or movement. The nature and character of the kingdom Jesus inaugurated is on display in His most well-known sermon. No wonder it serves doubly as a rich resource of familial advice and wisdom. Kingdom principles are played out in the context of relationships; so, familial relationships are fair game as the target of God’s kingdom intentions.
The lesson refers to Christ’s counsel, “ ‘You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye’ ” (Matt. 7:5, ESV), as a principle that can help avert conflict. This verse and the surrounding passage are probably the most used and misused section of anything Christ ever spoke. Therefore, this section bears some further reflection.
If there is one phrase in all of Scripture that has permeated into the verbal arsenal of Western culture, known by both Christian and secularist alike, it is “ ‘Judge not, that you be not judged’ ” (Matt. 7:1, ESV). This aphorism, of course, is the context for what Jesus says about “logs” and “eyes.” Unfortunately, this phrase has been co-opted by a relativistic worldview and used ubiquitously to stop anyone from saying that anybody is doing anything wrong, which, of course, would be a “judgment” made on that person. To keep this discussion along relational lines, marriages would not go far, or would be severely stunted, if judgments of right/wrong, good/bad, loving/unloving, or helpful/hurtful could not be made on a regular basis without “ ‘Judge not’ ” being invoked as a dialogue stopper. Anyone familiar at all with the Bible or Jesus’ teachings knows that this invocation certainly is not the proper application of this phrase. So what is the proper application of this teaching of Christ? How can it be a key in preventing, and perhaps resolving, conflict, especially within families?
Perhaps the best place to start understanding the purpose of Matthew 7:1–5 is to visualize the picture Jesus paints. It certainly isn’t about denying the existence of problems in other people’s, or one’s own, family. Problems the size of logs (: wood the size of floor paneling in Solomon’s temple [1 Kings 6:15, LXX]) are sticking out of eyes. But here is the striking contrast Jesus makes. Those with the big problems, the logs, are correcting/rebuking those with the smaller problems, ones that Jesus likens to specks. And they are doing so in a hypocritical fashion (Matt. 7:5). It is this posture of engagement that is so detrimental to relationships—the one who commits the flagrant sin, perhaps in a state of total denial, attacking some peccadillo that he or she microscopically identifies in another. Often the best way to hide one’s own faults is to viciously attack others for theirs. This behavior is a recipe for disaster in relationships, marriage and family included.
Amazingly, Jesus engenders hope that both individuals can stand before each other, clear of their ocular impediments. This hope is good news for relations between husbands, wives, parents, children, and siblings. Our problems, issues, or sins don’t have to have the last word in undercutting our relationships with one another. Conflict does not have to be all-consuming, but Jesus’ simple, yet not easy, command needs to be heeded: “ ‘first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye’ ” (Matt. 7:5, ESV). Here, then, is the posture of prevention and resolve when conflict threatens relationships: (1) Before one addresses another’s problems, one should come with an attitude that his or her own problems are greater than those they are addressing. (2) Ask the other person to point out blind spots (logs) that have gone unaddressed or denied. (3) Ask for forgiveness for one’s own sins, which, if they are logs, have been doing a lot more damage in the relationship than the specks he or she hoped to address. (4) If things go well, one can ask (Matt. 7:7) if now is a good time to share concerns he or she has with their partner for the growth and preservation of the relationship. Christ’s counsel, the presence of His Spirit, and a humble, teachable attitude will go a long way in conflict prevention and resolve. The judgmental, hypocritical attack of another’s faults will be ineffective at resolving anything and will possibly only invite the same response. Jesus knew this and therefore warned, “ ‘Judge not, that you be not judged’ ” (Matt. 7:1, ESV).
Forgiveness
The secret (if it can be called that) to being an inveterate forgiver is to live the life of the forgiven: “Be kind to one another, . . . forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32, ESV). But intellectually accepting that God has forgiven us is different from actually living the forgiven life. Nowhere in Scripture is this difference more striking than in Jesus’ famous parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:23–35. From this angle, one could say that the unforgiving servant (forgiven 10,000 talents) did not appropriate the reality of his forgiveness to the degree that it compelled him to offer even a fraction of that forgiveness to another (100 denarii). He heard he was forgiven, maybe believed it, too; but it didn’t become a central feature by which he lived and treated others. If forgiveness is to flow freely between family members, then God’s forgiveness of us needs to be a controlling feature of our lives, influencing our treatment of one another.
A corollary idea of “living forgiven” is to address the one person we often have the hardest time forgiving. No one highlights this point better than Brennan Manning: “Jesus challenges us to forgive everyone we know. . . . Right now someone exists who has disappointed and offended us, someone with whom we are continually displeased and with whom we are more impatient, irritated, unforgiving, and spiteful than we would dare be with anyone else. That person is ourselves. We are so often fed up with ourselves. We’re sick of our own mediocrity, revolted by our own inconsistency, bored by our own monotony. We would never judge any other of God’s children with the savage self-condemnation with which we crush ourselves. Jesus said we are to love our neighbor as ourselves. We must be patient, gentle, and compassionate with ourselves in the same way we try to love our neighbor.”—The Signature of Jesus (Colorado Springs, Colo.: Multnomah Books, 1996), p. 162. Or as Francis MacNutt famously quipped: “If the Lord Jesus Christ has washed you in his own blood and forgiven you all your sins, how dare you refuse to forgive yourself ?”—The Signature of Jesus, p. 101.
So, we can take heart in living under the glorious realization that through Christ we are thoroughly forgiven. Having the Holy Spirit press that truth through the membrane of our souls, we will be able to genuinely forgive one another. This understanding truly is a key for experiencing peace within the family.
Part III: Life Application
Regardless of all that has been said theologically and practically about forgiveness in the Christian church, forgiveness, as a whole, can still be very difficult in certain situations. We have a tendency to hold on to past offenses with clenched fists, especially if wrongs have gone unresolved. Discuss with the class strategies to “let go” and offer the reminder that the grudges harm only the bearer, not the perpetrator. Here is an ancient parable that nails that point:
Two monks (an older and younger), on their way to a monastery high in the mountains, came across a woman who was having difficulty crossing a swift running creek. Given that the monks kept strict vows not to touch women, the younger assumed they would pass her by. But the older monk hoisted the woman on his back, carried her across the creek, and let her down on the other side. The younger monk was offended, but he repressed his objections for hours until they reached the summit of the mountain, upon which he exploded with “How could you violate our vows and carry that woman on your back?” The older monk replied, “It is true; I carried her across the creek, but you carried her all the way up the mountain.” Christians have no need to carry the burden of resentment or unforgiveness. The Lord is well able to bear the sins of the world; He doesn’t need our help.